In case you hadn't notice, I don't really use this site. I have my own site, and I didn't just want to shut this down totally. Now and again I remember to come over here and do something with it. I like it because it allows me to stay linked with, and follow other blogger.com sites.
Here is a preview of my most recent blog post. It will lead you to my site where you can see not only other posts by me, but by my whole WhatTheJules team.
Yeah that sounds kinda self important, I have a team. It's exactly the opposite of self important, really. I just know that I can't be all things to all people, but I want to offer more to the Chronically Awesome community. So, for now I have me, I have Donna Kay to write about Crohn's and I have Gini who writes about Fibro and Chronic Fatigue. We also have a discussion board and a podcast.
So, check our shit out. :)
Thanks
Take a Look Into My Baby Blues
This isn't my usual blog style, and I hope you forgive the departure. For once, I would actually like to use this darn thing as a "journal" like some other bloggers do. You see, I have a problem. Ok I have many, laugh it up. I have this giant heart, but a big void empty place situated someplace lower. My attempts to fill the void are always so temporary, it's like a drug. You feel great doing it, then later you are only reminded of the things you don't have, the loss you are trying to make up for.
I go through this every couple of years, I get this pang, this sadness and urgency. This need for babies. As I have gotten older, it's gotten better, but it has not gone away. When I got sick, it got easier to think about the fact that I could never have another baby. I mean really, why would someone my age and with my physical limitations want to chase a kid around? Then I had the ablation, now conceiving is impossible. So you would think that with carrying a child being as risky as it gets, not wanting to be a full time mom, and knowing I can't conceive that I would move on right? HA! You don't know me very well then do you?
When I was growing up, I would watch shows like "The Brady Bunch", and "Eight is Enough". These television shows, if you are not familiar, are about giant families. Through the blending of families, I have five sisters and a brother. I never gave thought about how many kids I would have when I was a kid. I just figured I would have a few.
My first pregnancy happened six months after I was married. I was 22 years old, and I was beside myself with excitement.
I read all of the books. I watched videos. I signed up for the birthing classes, found the very best doctor I could find. My next door neighbor was an OB/GYN nurse. She became my best friend. (Poor thing)
Sadly, in spite of all the textbooks, my pregnancy was not textbook. Things went wrong and things were miserable. I have some great memories of my pregnancy however. I remember seeing an entire foot pressed against my belly. I remember seeing that little creature in the ultrasound that looked like a tiny fish. We started calling her "The Salmon". Of course, we did not know she was a she at that time.
I was the most enormous pregnant woman I had ever known. I gained 175 lbs. (I know right?) The child inside of me seemed to always be moving. I read to the baby, talked to the baby. I played music through my Walkman (remember those?), and I was a full time student. If there was such thing as in womb learning, this kid was getting it. And, I was taking notes. I was writing things down about how the life inside of me responded to different things that I did. I wanted to remember it for next time.
Next time.
I didn't know there wasn't going to be a next time.
Read more...
